As the original fashion girl—Benjamin Franklin, of course—once said, “Wine is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” Amen, BF, amen. At the risk of sounding like stereotypes, there are few things we love more than a generous pour of basically anything that can even remotely pass as wine. So, in honor of National Wine Day, we thought we’d give a shout-out to all the ladies out there like us, who wouldn’t be who they are without fermented grapes.
Your Disclaimers Are Bullsh*t
When you say you're only going to have one glass, that means you're going to have two. When you make no disclaimer at all, that means you're going to split a bottle with your dining partner and then order at least one more glass "to share" (read: two) once it's been polished off.
You Hate Chardonnay, But...
...you'll drink it anyway, especially if it's free and sitting in front of you for any length of time. (This is true, by the way, for those who "dislike" any one type of wine, not just the Chardonnay haters.)
You Have A Go-To Hangover Regimen
Drinkwel is ours—what's yours? We also panic if there's no Advil to be found in the house. (Do we have a problem, or are we just sophisticated and vaguely European? It's hard to say.)
You Treat The Bathtub Like A Swim-Up Bar
Ancient Greeks and Romans used to add wine to their drinking water in order to "purify" it. Uh-huh, we're onto them, but we'll play along. Drinking wine as we soak in the tub is likewise purifying—it's important to wash away the day's anxieties along with its dirt, and no amount of bath bombs in the world can accomplish this without a little help from our boozy bestie.
Your Hostess Gift Is Always Wine
Because that way you get to drink some, duh.
Sometimes You Can't Believe...
...that wine tastings and tours are a thing, and that you can love them and indulge in them and still be considered a respectable member of society.
You Tried Sober January
But wine happened. We don't need to get into the details of how long this attempt lasted.
You Don't Know Anything About Wine
Well, you're familiar with Whispering Angel, Santa Margherita and Yes Way Rosé, and you're pretty familiar with the Trader Joe's selection of $5 wines. Beyond that, you're happy to let someone else nod, smile and pretend to know what they're talking about when the sommelier comes to the table—because learning about wines is hard, especially after a few glasses.
You Believe Stories About Wine Being Good For You
And forward them to all your friends. Here. You're welcome.