5 Things I Would Do If I Were A Victoria’s Secret Angel

One of the earliest lessons we all learn in life is that it’s not fair. No greater evidence of this exists than the annual spectacle of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show—the aim of which is ostensibly to get us to buy underthings, but it inevitably instead makes us want to invest in year-round long underwear so as to never have to compare our undressed bodies to those of the Angels ever again. I know I’m not alone in envying these rare creatures, whose lives just seem better than everyone else’s. Here, five things I would immediately do if I were to find myself among their ranks.


5 Things I Would Do If I Were A Victoria's Secret Angel


Instagram Half-Naked Pregnancy Selfies

Because my body with child is still better than yours. (IRL, this is what I look like after half a burrito.)


Post Photos Of My Thanksgiving Day Workout

If I were an Angel, I wouldn't need mashed potatoes, because exercise would be my drug. (IRL, this photo caused me to stress-eat double—okay, quadruple—my normal ration of mac and cheese. I love you Bella, but for the love of God....)


Wear Skintight White Jeans With Confidence

And take butt selfies.

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Avoid Leo

He's like someone's creepy uncle at this point. #DadJeans


Marry Harry

Because, duh. Sorry, Kendall. (In this alternate reality, 22-year-old Harry is an age-appropriate choice for me. IRL, I could probably be arrested for having this photo saved on my laptop.)