My Over-50 Friends Are Winning At Sex

A few months ago, I celebrated a milestone birthday. 40. In reflecting on the decade(s) ahead, I made a list of goals that I wanted to achieve, and there’s one that stands out as a top priority: have great sex. Sure, up until now, things have been, um, fine. For all intents and purposes, I should be having great sex all the time. I’ve done the work in learning my body, unlearning bad advice, and shedding (most of) my insecurities. And yet, here I am, still feeling, well, underwhelmed.

In speaking to my circle of close girlfriends, I’ve realized that the ones who’ve seemingly cracked the code in reaching sexual nirvana are not the younger ones, or even those in my specific age group. In fact, it’s my over-50 pals that are relaxed, uninhibited, and unapologetically satisfied. Not only are they having more sex, but they’re having better sex that’s freer, more playful, and far less stressful than anything I’ve experienced in my 30s and early 40s. This may be a surprising notion for some, nay, many, considering society at large often follows the narrative that women stop being sexual or even desirable creatures once menopause sets in.

“I think that people think that the day that women turn 40 we pull out our vaginas and hang them up in a vault,” says Sophia Chang, life coach and author of The Baddest Bitch in the Room. “The invisibility and erasure of women as we age is real.”

That said, the women I’ve spoken to in researching the topic are fighting that societal erasure, allowing for a collective and distinct shift to happen in their brains and bodies in which past insecurities, hangups, and mental obstacles go out the window, leaving a fresh cool breeze of sexual freedom to blow right in.

A Time To Embrace Change

“What I hear from the young women that I'm in touch with is they are so worried about libido,” says Maryjane Fahey, entrepreneur and founder of content platform Glorious Broads, which tells the stories of unconventional, uncompromising women over 50. “Their libido drying up — it's an issue.” Indeed, declining estrogen in women over 50 can cause vaginal tissue to become thinner, less elastic, and less naturally lubricated, making sex uncomfortable and even painful. Some choose to stay silent out of shame or fear of feeling alone in their struggles. This can cause some to adopt the mentality of “sex just isn’t for me anymore,” when in reality, these physical changes are treatable and not a permanent loss of sexuality.

“Hormone replacement therapy [HRT] can cure all wounds,” explains Fahey. “And then you really get back when you want to. I mean, I went through a dive too, but when you're back in the game, you're very much back in the game.”

Suzanne Noble, creator and host of the podcast Sex Advice for Seniors, says having an honest conversation with your doctor is a crucial first step. “We need to be able to articulate that with a health professional, which often we are not able to because we're ashamed or we don't realize how common [these symptoms and changes are],” she says. “We think, ‘Oh, I'm the only one that's experiencing this. There must be something wrong with me.’ So they go untreated and a lot of women do give up sex because it hurts and that can be avoided by just vaginal estrogen, which is something that I didn't realize until somebody told me and it has literally changed my life.”

A Time To Make It All About You

For Fahey, her 50s ushered in a new approach to intimacy that ignited her inner confidence. To be fair, the now-75-year-old has always had a fairly “free” mindset with regard to sex. “My power, when I was young — and I would definitely put 40s in there — was through sex,” she says matter-of-factly. When I probe about how said power of her youth compares to that of her post-menopausal life, she explains that the former was more performative.

“It was performative to please [my partners],” she explains. “As the years have gone on, I want more because I know how to get more and I simply know I deserve more. I think when I was young, I didn't know that I deserved more. I felt, yes, my power was my beauty and my power was my body, but my power was nowhere else.”

Chang, 60, refers to this performative approach — as it relates to cis, straight women typically — as “man-centering.” She, too experienced “garbage sex” in her 20s as a result of keeping the focus on her partner’s pleasure as opposed to her own. “We center a man's experience, a man's everything,” she says. “And sex was over for me when the man [finished]. And I felt that way, actually, for a long time. I remember so many of the sexual encounters that I had, I was just waiting for it to be over with.”

“As the years have gone on, I want more because I know how to get more and I simply know I deserve more. I think when I was young, I didn't know that I deserved more.”

In her 30s, Chang learned to enjoy rewarding albeit less “sexplorational” intimacy with her husband and father of her children. Orgasms and pleasure weren’t an issue, as she learned how to achieve them with her partner. But it was when the relationship dissolved in her 40s that she discovered her interest in more adventurous practices. “I learned that I really like certain ... I have certain kinks,” she says. “And I couldn't name it at the time, but I am a subsexual. I enjoy being restrained. I enjoy being restrained both with my lover's hands but also with instruments of bondage. And the sex that I was having at 50 was the best sex of my life. Imagine how incredible that is. And I was grateful.”

Fahey seconds this notion, crediting HRT for opening up a whole new sexual frontier for her, one that is centered on self-respect and does not leverage sex as a means to prove something to herself or those around her. “Sex is not the only power you have, so be more discriminate,” she says of the advice she’d give her younger self. “And I'm not judging myself for having so much sex, but I was getting even with old ghosts in my life, and you shouldn't get even in your sex life.”

Like Chang, Fahey found new freedom in her 50s to explore aspects of her sexuality that had been otherwise dormant and untouched. “Oddly after menopause, I knew what I wanted and I was more experimental,” she says. “I finally had sex with women, which I talked about forever, and I had a great affair with this woman. I also had a threesome. It’s all the stuff that sounds cliché and I was curious about, but never did. I was always a one-on-one [person]. So I would say when I came back at 50 after menopause, I didn't need sex, but I wanted sex, so it was very different.”

A Time To Talk Openly

At 61, Noble was quite sexually experienced and had no problem speaking publicly about it. “I did a lot of stuff back then, and I thought I knew everything,” she says. It was only when she launched her aforementioned podcast in 2022 that she realized how much she still had to learn. “I suppose the thing that came out of all of it, the one thread that runs through every single episode, no matter what I'm talking about, is the importance of being able to have a language around your sexual life and the importance of being able to communicate your desires, your needs, your wants, your health problems, either with a doctor, with a partner, with whoever you are going to be intimate with because you might have some challenges,” she explains.

Yes, society today is much more open and authentic in its dialogue around sex, but this wasn’t the case some 20 to 30 years ago. For many Gen X women and those of the boomer generation, sexuality and intimacy were topics that were often whispered rather than openly discussed. Despite that, research suggests that many women over 50 do feel internally comfortable with their sexuality. In clinical surveys, a large majority say they don’t feel embarrassed discussing sexual health when asked directly — yet most still don’t bring it up on their own, even with doctors or partners.

And while some are hesitant to speak up out of fear of rejection or judgment, Noble is quick to assure that, for the most part, people appreciate when you're clear about what you want, especially as it pertains to sex. “When you express what you want to someone else, they're just so relieved because they don't have to second-guess what you desire,” she says. “They can say, ‘Oh, that's great because most people never tell me what they like and I have to roam around their body figuring it out and wondering, Does this feel good? Does this feel good? Do you like this?’”

“And now, as a much older person, I'm much clearer about what I like. I meet people who give me what I like, and that's really good for me.”

Noble notes her own challenges in expressing herself in her marriage and says her relationship ultimately suffered because of it. “I just got sick of initiating [sex], which ultimately became really boring and really damaged my self-esteem, just not having somebody that was a sexual person,” she explains. “And now, as a much older person, I'm much clearer about what I like. I meet people who give me what I like, and that's really good for me because sometimes you have sex that's not the kind of sex you want and you're like, ‘How am I going to get the kind of sex I want if I don't ask for what I want and know what it is that I desire?’ I think that's the thing that came through everything, is just understand your body, understand how to talk about sex. Be clear, and you're going to have a much better time.”

A Time To Be Confident

In the hours of conversation I had with these sexually fulfilled women in their 50s, 60s, and 70s, there was a clear pattern I uncovered. Amidst the talk of HRT, communication, and inner work, none of them ever mentioned technique or a specific physical strategy that they follow to achieve a healthy sex life. Because that’s not what the magic elixir consists of. In fact, the secret sauce lies in the inner peace and self-acceptance one can often only achieve with age. Yes, bodies change, but it’s how we inhabit them that matters here.

“I want to say that it all has to do with confidence,” says Fahey. “I'm not the body I was at 25, but I hung that up and get so much more with what I'm bringing to the table at 75 than what I was bringing to the table at 25. I think what happened to me was I went over kind of a little hump, and it happened probably when I was in my late 60s, I no longer could control what was going on. I was like, ‘Oh, there's a lot of sh*t going on that I cannot control.’ So now I just say I'm going to control what I can, remain fit, get old in a healthy way, and just be. I enjoy being hot.”

Studies referenced:

Sarah Melancon, Ph.D. Sex After 50: Frequency, Drive, And Intimacy Past Midlife. Women’s Health Interactive. https://www.womens-health.com/sex-frequency-after-50-statistics