Martha Stewart’s Morning Routine Is Unbelievable, Even For Martha Stewart

We love reading about the morning routines of the rich and famous, for reasons we can’t really explain. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that our aspirational selves actually have morning routines, or at least ones that are more evolved than “make it to work with relatively unstained clothing on.” In any case, we found ourselves delighted by The Cut‘s new interview with Martha Stewart, in which she details all she manages to accomplish before 9am. We now know it’s physically impossible for us to ever achieve her level of success and are therefore going to give up and read articles online for the rest of the workday.

Let’s start with what happens right after she awakens, with the sun, around 5am, because it is truly unbelievable. Before having so much as a sip of coffee, the woman does the New York Times crossword puzzle. Granted, it’s the mini puzzle, but still. Afterward, she reads the New York Times. At this point, we are still sleeping.

Then, around 6am, she inexplicably showers before the gym. This makes us feel better about ourselves, because how hard can she possibly be working out if she doesn’t need to rinse off afterward? But also, she’s 76, so we still suck. She works out for an hour, with her trainer, beginning sometime between 6:30 and 7am. Her French bulldogs are also there, because adorable.

Now it’s time for Martha’s big breakfast, which consists of a half-shot of cappuccino (“I’m not an addict,” she says, shaming us) and either one egg or some wheat germ or spelt. Mmm. This is happening around the time we’re rousing ourselves from bed, zombie-like, to chug coffee straight from the machine and eat leftover gyozas from last night’s takeout order, but same.

At this point, as we’re climbing into our leased cars to begin miserable commutes replete with near-death experiences, Martha does sudoku and KenKen as she’s driven into the city. Upon arrival at the office, she checks into the café with her name on it—which is an honor she definitely earned because girlfriend is disciplined AF—and orders a half-cap, but only if she didn’t have one earlier (she’s not an addict!).

Our takeaway? We should start showering before the gym, because it is the only part of this morning routine that, while not exactly logical, sounds like something we might actually do. In our case, however, it’d be a mistake we made because we hadn’t yet had coffee, amirite?