Let me begin by explaining that I have an extraordinarily large noggin capped off by a seemingly bottomless mess of curly hair and an obsession with excessively priced sunglasses. Those three things do not go seamlessly hand in hand for the following reasons: My hair is often in my face (I look like Cousin Itt when a particularly strong wind blows through), so if I want to throw designer sunglasses on the top of my head to keep my hair out of my face or simply for ease when I’m out of the sun, I end up with $350 dollars worth of stretched-out plastic. What’s a girl to do?
The answer is not what you’re expecting but I’m going to go there anyway: Croakies. Yes, I’m referring to those weird, lanyard-like contraptions that attach to the ends of your sunglasses allowing you—like your golf-playing uncle before you—to wear your sunglasses like an un-chic necklace when they are not in use. You may find yourself surprised to read about Croakies here on the super-fashion-y Zoe Report, but alas, I’m here to tell you I’m on a mission to bring them back, and I plan to succeed.
Photo: Balenciaga; Vionnet Courtesy of Getty Images
My newfound devotion to this accessory of yore started at a friend’s recent wedding in Antigua at which guests were given Croakies emblazoned with the date and location of the momentous occasion. I put them on my glasses for the weekend in an effort to make sure my dips in and out of the Caribbean and general beach revelry with friends didn’t result in me losing my latest pricey purchase. But days later when I got home, I found myself not wanting to take them off my glasses, because–well—they are just so damn convenient. Anytime I didn’t need my sunnies, I just took them off my face and boom—they hung perfectly from my neck, no stretching out or positioning them on my large head required. Is it possible our uncles knew what they were doing all along?
It was then that I decided to launch a full-blown, grassroots campaign to make Croakies chic again—that is, until my very stylish friend saw me in them and literally dropped her jaw in shock. Barely masking her fashion disgust, she asked me if I had looked in a mirror with them on. The truth was I hadn’t. Once I did, I discovered her horror was indeed warranted.
Alas, I was ready to abandon my mission when the unthinkable happened: While researching another story about upcoming jewelry trends, I discovered that fall runways (Balenciaga, Christopher Kane and Vionnet among them) actually featured Croakie-like contraptions. Sure they called them “eyeglass chains,” but it’s all the same thing when you come right down to it. It seems I’m not the only one who realizes the absolute genius of this undervalued accessory. I forwarded the story to my aforementioned friend, and while at first resistant, I think she may even be considering a pair for herself this summer (likely one emblazoned with a designer logo rather than a wedding date but that’s beside the point). And so my summer campaign is back on. Long live the Croakie–because the truth is sometimes there is nothing chicer than convenience.