Before we start this roast, we’d like to throw in a disclaimer: We think Orlando Bloom seems like a sweet guy and we’re sure any girl would be lucky to end up with him. Now, with those niceties out of the way, can we talk about how desperate the poor guy seems as of late? Orlando, best known to us as Miranda Kerr’s ex and Ned Kelly (j/k, we never saw that movie), recently begged a reporter to find him a wife. “Can you get me a wife? I want a wife. That’s what I’m looking for, a wife that will get me a pin like that.” He’s referring to a pin the reporter’s partner gave to him, but all we can think about is why a tiny accessory just triggered Orlando Bloom’s existential despair about being alone. Buddy, you know you can just … buy your own pin … right? We don’t live in The Handmaid’s Tale dystopia yet—men are still allowed to shop!
Orlando then followed up this embarrassing display of desperation with a photo op that will look all too familiar to you if you happen to frequent dating apps. In the image, which was captured at LAX, Orlando is holding a small adorable dog, whose expression seems to say he knows he’s being exploited in order to attract women, and he feels rather undignified about it.
All that said, though Orlando may be thirsty, he’s also pretty zen. “Life is going to unfold as it should, because it always does,” he once said, brilliantly. We hope that’s his mantra right now as he looks for a credit-card-wielding wife. In the meantime we’re going to help him out by sending him here.